Stephanie’s Adventures in Singledom: Why Taking It Slow Is the Best Philosophy

BY STEPHANIE DOLCE

The rush of love, or in other terms, being completely head over heels for them,  leads the couple to take the next steps in their relationship without looking carefully at the odds of the relationship succeeding. Before they know it,  they are already sleeping with each other and then in a flash, they’re making plans to move in together. Sadly, many of these hurried relationships lead to disappointment as the relationships falls apart before it’s even had time to take shape.

This is why being impulsive when it comes to sex, isn’t the best answer if you really want to have a lasting relationship. Close relationship researchers have known for years that couples who live together and also have a sexual relationship and are not engaged, are more likely to divorce or, if they remain together, experience poor marital quality. Studies done by Cornell University sited that those couples who are having sex early in their relationship, preferably within a month of dating,  had poorer relationship outcomes. The research concluded: 1- Over one-third reported having sex within one month after they started dating. 2-For women, but not men, the longer the delay between dating and sex, the better the perception of the current relationship quality. 3- Again for women, but not men, having sex early in the scheme of things signified to them that their partner was committed to the relationship and 4-Couples who had sex early in the game were more likely to decide to live together and, in turn, had less satisfying relationships.  (Source: Psychology Today)

As I wrote in my book, “Hello Love, Where’s Cupid?”

First,  for sex to be truly satisfying to both partners, each has to risk being totally open and vulnerable to the other. Most men tend to focus on the physical aspects of a relationship.  Men get excited or at least interested quickly by visual or physical stimulation. But the biggest differences is that a man needs respect, admiration, and to be needed physically while the woman needs understanding, love, to be needed emotionally, and time to warm up to the sexual act.

Women can get attached to their partner through sex while it takes a man a whole lot more to get emotionally attached to his partner.  Here’s the kicker: When women feel connected and close to our boyfriends/husbands, we have the potential to feel sex all using our minds, bodies and spirits. But when we feel distance in our relationship, we can still experience sex, only with a physical response, which is how most men view sex until they find a partner where is it much more than just going through the motions.

So, how can we develop an emotional connection without using sex?

A couple that meets and delves into learning as much about each other as possible creates an emotional connection. Through thoughtful and caring communication, you each learn the intricacies of the other. You learn what makes him happy, what makes him angry and what brings him to his knees in joyful celebration. He learns what brings you to tears, what causes you to smile mysteriously, and what frustrates you. You each learn the essence of the other and feel compassion and empathy, or share the emotion. Without the road to emotional connection, true love is blocked, and sex will be meaningless.

When both partners are emotionally connected, the sex will not only be outstanding, but it will have meaning.

One of the best ways to win at love is to hold off physical intimacy until you really get to know someone.  The three keys to making ANY relationship a LASTING one are:

A- Don’t rush into sex. Sex changes everything.

B-Let the relationship deepen slowly over months.

C-Think about what you bring to the relationship, not what you get from it.

Waiting is sign of true love and trust. Why? Because everyone can say I love you, but not all can wait for you. Remember, true love is always unconditional. Healthy, loving relationships are never conditional and aren’t just based on sex alone. The best relationships, the ones that last, are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. Where sex actually has meaning, not just motion.