DWAYNE JOHNSON, RCT PAPERBOY, ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY FOR ROCKLAND COUNTY EXECUTIVE 2013

Come to his fundraiser “Dwayne Does Rockland” next week at Lace in West Nyack

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY DAILY ROCKLAND GARLIC

Dissatisfied with his choices in the 2013 county executive field, Rockland County Times paperboy Dwayne Johnson has announced his candidacy for Rockland County executive. A registered member of the Vermin Supreme Party, Johnson states, “It’s America and anybody can run for office. I have looked in the mirror while exercising and determined I am clearly the most fit for office, at least among the current field.”

DWAYNE JOHNSON
DWAYNE JOHNSON

Inspired by Rockland County Young Democrats risque “Fifty Shades of Blue” fundraiser, Dwayne Johnson has named his inaugural fundraiser “Dwayne Does Rockland” and he’s holding it at the gentleman’s club Lace in West Nyack. Johnson said, “Lace brings a lot of money in to Rockland. I am happy to officially announce my candidate at a key cog of Rockland’s economy.”

Johnson’s Platform

– Pro-business. Johnson said, “During my administration, I will constantly refer to myself as pro-business, thus I will attract business to Rockland via ‘The Secret.'”
– Billionaire tax: The county will pay for its programs by seizing several assets from any billionaire who happens to pass through Rockland.

Photo of Dwayne as a toddler
Photo of Dwayne as a toddler

– Hike in longevity of Rocklanders: Johnson will impose a mandatory increase on the lifespan of Rocklanders. Vote Johnson, Live Longer.
– Will put a dome over New Square. Johnson said, “Amazingly, both Bob Rhodes and Rabbi Twersky requested I put a dome over New Square, so I plan to file for a $300 million Obama grant to pay for it. I hear we are at the top of the list for approval.”
– Legalize separate sex marriage for people who don’t want to have sex with their spouse.
– Will give the Sheriffs Dept. a raise. Johnson said, “You can’t beat City Hall even when you are City Hall. I will give the police a sizable raise just to avoid an uncomfortable confrontation.”
– Will not outlaw cigarette displays, large sodas, or salt.
– Promises not to leave mid-term to run for president. “I will not run for president in 2016. I promise,” Johnson is quoted as saying.

– Straight talk. Johnson said, “I will tell you exactly how it is, even when you don’t want to hear it and regardless of whether I actually know what I’m talking about.”

– Will raise his salary 80 percent. Johnson said, “My job will be absolutely impossible, not to mention thankless. I’ll have virtually no chance at succeeding. Damn straight I’m taking a raise.”
– Will try to eliminate the political class but will probably end up only firing two or three people. Johnson noted, “I will try to eliminate political patronage positions, but let’s face it, they’re related to the characters who’ll have gotten me elected and any efforts will be squashed.”
– Will appoint former Democratic Committee Chairman and real estate maestro Paul Adler czar of the Bureau of Land Management and executive minister of Agenda 21
– Will appoint Haverstraw Republican and commercial real estate agent Lynn Teger to the Committee on the Study of Theories of Conspiracies Against the Public
– Will appoint Joe Coe czar of Human Rights and give him vast police powers
– Will appoint RCT contributor and Republican political candidate Anthony Mele to the Bureau of Firearms Protection
– Will definitely not hire Dagan LaCorte as chief of Rockland County Clandestine Services
– Will appoint Ernest Autumn van den Heuvel Rockland County Highway commissioner and find out if he can walk the walk
– Promises to appoint first teenager ever to a major leadership position. “I will end discrimination against the young,” Johnson stated.

Photo of Dwayne Johnson's political boss Vermin Supreme
Photo of Dwayne Johnson’s political boss Vermin Supreme

Dwayne’s boss, editor-in-chief of the Rockland County Times, Dylan Skriloff, said, “Though Dwayne can hardly handle his duties as a paperboy, I still suggest Rocklanders consider his candidacy. Think of it as a sort of potential Seinfeld-esque experiment. It’s the exact opposite of what you would normally do, but you might get unexpectedly positive results.”

SEE MORE SPECIAL APRIL FOOL’S COVERAGE ON PAGE 22 OF THIS WEEK’S RCT PRINT EDITION